i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize