this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
