Your face is a jimmy john
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
