well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
