Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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