The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
