tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
