Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize