If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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