Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
