You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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