I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
