The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's shark week go big or go home
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
