I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize