Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
