Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
