Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's never too late to be topless.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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