At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
