I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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