when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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