Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
