how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
