I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
