make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
