i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize