You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Couch. On fire.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
