i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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