It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
