Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
