My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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