We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
