Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
