I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
