threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
