I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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