im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize