you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
