every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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