Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize