I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My hand turned me down
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
