its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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