some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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