My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
