pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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