She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
