I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
