I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
