i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I don't deserve a penis
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
not ubering you a puppy
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
