I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
