He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
