i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
