just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my phone needs a breathalizer
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
