yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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