I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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