I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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