there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
