i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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