By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
