I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
