so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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