I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
