I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
