I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
