It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
then he tried to convert me to islam
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
