I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
