I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize