my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
