Your face is a jimmy john
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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