I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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